Hello, my name is Samantha and I was diagnosed with anxiety and a mild form of depression back in 2011. I was only 16 years old when I received my diagnosis. I’ve spoken quite openly about my anxiety but never about my depression. But that ends today!
I don't know the exact reason as to why I was okay with sharing my story with anxiety but not depression. The only logical reason I can come up with today, is probably because I thought I would be judged more and/or looked at in a different way, which no one should EVER have to feel. Many of my close friends and family didn't even know that I got diagnosed with mild depression until I sent them this article. I remember the exact day my therapist told me my diagnosis and to be honest, I was quite surprised. I expected the anxiety diagnosis but never the mild depression one. However, when my therapist explained it to me, it all made sense.
I was bullied in high school, that’s when it all started. All those nights crying myself to sleep because of certain people in high school making me feel so poorly about myself, I started viewing myself the way they viewed me as. There were days when I just didn't want to get out of bed to go to school although I knew I had to. I remember coming home from school and going straight to my room to cry. I started replaying every single word they called me in my head at night and the worst part is, I started to believe them myself. I felt my self-worth and self-confidence slowly going down the drain, then I thought to myself; would the world be a better place without me? I didn't realize that by telling my therapist that exact statement, it would be the reason why she diagnosed me with mild depression, because that is a depressive thought that even I didn’t comprehend. I was so young I didn't have the capacity at the time to fully grasp what was going on.
Today, if I asked myself that same question of whether the world would be a better place without me, my answer is definitely not. The world needs you and the world needed, and needs me too! You are NOT someone else’s opinion of you. If you told me this 10 years ago I wouldn't have believed it. But today with all the help from therapists to doctors, to nurses, all people who sometimes help me on a daily basis, I know my worth. I like who I have become, and yes it has taken me 23 years and counting to truly love the person I am today and to accept all my flaws, but I'm getting there. Life is always a work in progress, it’s okay to struggle, it’s okay to admit you're not okay. Make yourself your priority, self-care should be number one on your list. Who cares if people want to call you spoiled for getting that massage, if it helps you feel better about yourself, go for it no matter what other people may think. Please, never be ashamed to get help, and please remember, this world would be broken if you left it. If you feel like you can’t talk to close people about it - I get it, I've been there its super hard to admit to a loved one or friend that you’re struggling, but please remember there are anonymous hotlines available with no strings attached, and if you don't feel comfortable doing that, my messages are always open for that exact reason. I don't care if we never met, if you need someone to talk to who gets it, I'm here for you and I get it. You are worthy and you are loved. Always remember that.
“Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle.”
Love;
Samantha Caucci